It's The Reality of The Imagination....

New job, new year, new locale. Interesting things all to their own. I now find myself living in this city that's always been a ideal of mine. An ideal in the fact that I've always revered it in the small glimpses of visits that I've had in the past. Plus, there's a giant freakin' lake! But, when visiting such a wonderland of epic serenity, one tends to block out the everyday of it. The fact that there are grocery stores, and you have to know how to find them. The fact that the house you moved into was without the finer things in life, such as running water and heat. But those things slowly worked out and I'm sort of learning the practicality of the area. Duluth is now becoming less of an ideal and more of a home. Yeah, sure I still do get that awe inspired gasp every night coming down the hill from a long day at work when I see the sun shining over the harbor. Yeah, I really do love a long drive up the shore (okay, not in the snow....scenic roads don't like to be plowed in the winter time, it's an unwritten rule, I guess) and sometimes, just sometimes I feel that raw energy pouring off of Lake Superior and refreshing my mind. I'm grateful that this is a home, and that it will have to be fixed and prodded into submission. I love the fact that those who come over remarks on even with it's shortcomings, it's arbitrary holes in walls every here and there, it's very much a place of comfort. The kids love it here. They all have their own space to be themselves and not have to think about things that a child shouldn't have to deal with, such as money and responsibilities of taking care of siblings untended by self-involved parents.  I dislike the harsh realities I'm seeing at my new place of employ. The rebellious side of me constantly encouraging me to bulk at it's rules, it's definition of putting people in boxes and keeping them accounted for. Psh, I say, PSH! Adult life by those standards isn't a life for the likes of me. But, it's a job. It pays those adult bills. I'll keep it and keep my real self in check. Here's hoping!

The Return is Upon Us....

After 6+ months of trying the relocation thing, it's time to return to Minnesota. The fiscal idea of it is just not working out as we intended. Not only that but I'm finding it harder and harder to be away from my kids but also when I last saw them I was very unhappy of the state of things. Yeah, they are cared for in the basic ways but it's not the same. Of course, I'm not going to go back and immediately demand for them to live with me, as some believe. I'm not that kind of person. I do, in fact, have their best interest at heart. I have a job interview this coming week in Roseville. Shockingly, the first I've had in the past 6 months. Ironically, it's not here. But alas, there are many things barring me from finding a decent position. Licensing and all that which I'm sure I could bore the death outta anyone who would passively listen to the details. Plus, it's time to put all of the tools and things I've learned about myself to the task when I'm faced with the same situations that have in the past emotionally stymied me. I've missed being in a lab and feeling like a proper part of society. It's been a passion of mine that has been missing this entire time. I'll miss the mountains out here. The feeling in the air that has a slightly different electrical timbre as the air in Minnesota. I'm not barred from returning to this place of course. Not in any manner. I've been a very good girl while out here. But I worry. I worry about what is to happen in the future. I'm about to take on an even more frightening journey than I ever have. This path I've tread before. Starring down into the eyes of the irrational and delusional and daring not cringe. I'm sure it sounds all intimidating when dressed up in such frilly text. But it's the fact that I look at. On a side note: Seeing just how delusional, irrational and down right dysfunctional one entire group of people can be has made me appreciate just how awesome my own family is. Sure, we have our issues. There are lots of them, but in the grand scheme of things, it's not so bad. Of course I am not speaking about the people out here. All and all it has been a culturally pleasant experience. If not for the fact that money is required to live and that my children's happiness is wholly my main focus, I'd stay. Man, this whole thing seems so convoluted. It really is, and it's not. I'd love to blame the fact that I am in fact a paradox on my own. I've lost my train of thought. I guess I'll just sum up. I'm moving back to Minnesota in 4 days. The paladin is finishing out his teaching contract and will be joining me in a few months. As far as what's going to happen with the kids. We shall see.....

OH CANADA...WHY CANADA?

Good Gwar, I have not blogged in a million years. (typical use of hyperbole, don't call me out on it, I know... I know) I figured since my life was so different now, I'd share. Plus, it'll help me get out of my head a bit. Like everyone else who blogs, I'm sure this needs some sort of introduction. Some sort of reasoning. But, for those of you who know me well, I seem to do a lot of things without reasoning. In this case, I seek truth. Exploiting my inner most me to expose it. It's a rare person who knows the "true" me. I speak in vague context and rarely get straight to the point. It's a product of my condition. Making me seem quirky and all of those other endearing labels. There is your introduction of sorts. Now, onto the real meat of this entry.

I've recently moved to Canada. Specifically to a region of Canada where I don't even speak the language. (to be clear, I don't speak French) Although lately I've been dreaming in French which is odd due to the fact that I can no longer understand my dreams!! Nonetheless. Ah, but it's a tale. In the good old year of 2010, in the merry month of May. I'd sought to separate from a marriage that just wasn't working on either part, due to issues of both parties. My issues include a familial gift of bi-polar disorder, coupled with years of embedded sexual abuse which truth be told made me a bit of challenge to deal with at times. His, whom well shall refer to as Lord X for purposes of vague anonymity, which I will not touch in this blog as they are not my issues, so off the table of explanation. Of course, I'd been working for years, and working hard to both identify my "quirks" and patterns and have a very good grasp on what emotions are triggered by over worked and underpaid chemicals and which are just..emotions warranted from the fact that I am, like everyone else, human. After the separation of our marriage, we both went our different paths, and for a year plus remained that way. Our children, the younger two of which are biologically his, remained with me.

Another bit of important history, for the past three years I have been seeking refuge from reality in a video game, The World of Warcraft to be exact, something in which both I and Lord X have been involved in. In that three years of play I've made many friendships, including a Holy Paladin whom in the months following my separation I'd grown very close to in both friendship and even love. He too is very much akin to my thought patterns and we had found a very real understanding in each other that we had found in very few people to date. As a girl, I come equipped with a certain checklist that involves qualities I look for in a suitable mate. As I've aged that checklist has evolved, like they all do. That being said, my Paladin fit into almost all categories, of course with missing points in the category of music (of which I've been told I'm a music snob) with the weighing evidence, I could throw a little give that way in his favor. The biggest and most horrid downfall...the man lives in Canada. A part of Canada where French is tre cool and 1200+ miles away from where I live. If any of you have ever been in the deepest depths of love, there is little barrier that can stop the evolution of it. Distance being one of them.The distance was something we were willing to work through, having a plan that in about a year, we would be relocate to somewhere new, in either Upstate New York or in Vermont and in the meantime seeing each other every couple of months, either I going out to Canada for a week, or vice versa.

In the year and a half that I was the sole provider for our children, I struggled. With anyone who knows me, they know I suck with money. I admit I suck with money. I tried very hard to budget, having both my genius oldest son and a good friend help me manage my finances. To no avail. I just wasn't making enough to support us all, which caused me stress, the stress caused illness which caused my boss to look out for me and give me leave whenever my stress level was too high, which of course made me lose more money, which I sucked with in the first place. You see the cycle. It broke my heart. I would often go without eating just so my children would be fed. That is something I've rarely admitted in the past, and would deny if asked, but it is truth. Truth also be told, my children were very happy kids. They were well cared for, both physically and emotionally. I am a great mother in that aspect, but just not fiscally. Last summer, we scrimped for a family road trip to Canada. Something the children very much looked forward to partaking in. They have not been given a chance at a real summer vacation before and I wanted to give them that chance. Plus, it was merely the cost of gas. We would be staying with my Paladin, whom my children adore. Before leaving I had a working payment plan with my landlords. One, a few days before we were scheduled to leave, my landlords no longer wanted to honor, even if I was paying everything both parties had agreed to. I went to the state and asked for assistance with my rent. I was supposedly granted that assistance and with that relief, I drove for two days with my children to spend a week in Quebec. The trip was amazing. I am never happier than when spending quality time with my kids. My Paladin came back to Minnesota to spend two weeks with us. In those two weeks, I had discovered that since the state had shut down, the assistance that I was meant to receive, was not actually granted to me and we were to be thrown out of our living space. Damn it all, had I messed everything up. Those around me saw it as my typical mismanagement of money, believed nothing of what I said about the assistance, or the landlords arbitrarily changing their minds about out payment plan. I had no choice as I had no where to go. I asked both Lord X and my eldest son's father to care for the children while I figured out what to do in the meantime. My Paladin offered the suggestion to come and stay with him in Quebec, a move that I had been intending to make once our lease was up in a years time. It seemed like the Fates were putting up a challenge to see what we would do with it.

Upon speaking with Lord X about the plan, he rebuked it outright, suggesting that I leave the children with him so they could attend school in Minnesota, I could go out to East to "check out the area, get on my feet" and then send for the kids when the school year ended. As much as that possibility shattered my heart, I knew that at first relocating WOULD be a struggle and that did seem the most practical idea for the time being. My first thought was always to have my kids well looked after. Sadly, jobs are hard to come by in ANY part of the country these days. Lord X changed his mind about letting the kids relocate at all and has stated that he would fight me in court. I know what court battles do to kids. As I've said before, my kids are my first thought. Seeing that they were happy with where they are, and happy to spend summers out here, made up my mind in that fashion. I talk with them several times a week, and am still as close to them as I ever was. As much as I love Minnesota, for me it's always been a place the Fates have been pushing me to move away from. Away from all of the stigma that has been created by the many masks I seem to wear for those around me. Here, I'm just me. The true me. No apologies, and I find myself growing mentally. I love the mountains. I'm lonely, of course. But at least I'm myself. I'm here in Canada on a visitor's visa which is up in April. We will be relocating to Upstate New York or Vermont as intended. And... I'm adjusting by way of improvising, adapting and overcoming.

THIS is why Canada. Truthfully.