OH CANADA...WHY CANADA?

Good Gwar, I have not blogged in a million years. (typical use of hyperbole, don't call me out on it, I know... I know) I figured since my life was so different now, I'd share. Plus, it'll help me get out of my head a bit. Like everyone else who blogs, I'm sure this needs some sort of introduction. Some sort of reasoning. But, for those of you who know me well, I seem to do a lot of things without reasoning. In this case, I seek truth. Exploiting my inner most me to expose it. It's a rare person who knows the "true" me. I speak in vague context and rarely get straight to the point. It's a product of my condition. Making me seem quirky and all of those other endearing labels. There is your introduction of sorts. Now, onto the real meat of this entry.

I've recently moved to Canada. Specifically to a region of Canada where I don't even speak the language. (to be clear, I don't speak French) Although lately I've been dreaming in French which is odd due to the fact that I can no longer understand my dreams!! Nonetheless. Ah, but it's a tale. In the good old year of 2010, in the merry month of May. I'd sought to separate from a marriage that just wasn't working on either part, due to issues of both parties. My issues include a familial gift of bi-polar disorder, coupled with years of embedded sexual abuse which truth be told made me a bit of challenge to deal with at times. His, whom well shall refer to as Lord X for purposes of vague anonymity, which I will not touch in this blog as they are not my issues, so off the table of explanation. Of course, I'd been working for years, and working hard to both identify my "quirks" and patterns and have a very good grasp on what emotions are triggered by over worked and underpaid chemicals and which are just..emotions warranted from the fact that I am, like everyone else, human. After the separation of our marriage, we both went our different paths, and for a year plus remained that way. Our children, the younger two of which are biologically his, remained with me.

Another bit of important history, for the past three years I have been seeking refuge from reality in a video game, The World of Warcraft to be exact, something in which both I and Lord X have been involved in. In that three years of play I've made many friendships, including a Holy Paladin whom in the months following my separation I'd grown very close to in both friendship and even love. He too is very much akin to my thought patterns and we had found a very real understanding in each other that we had found in very few people to date. As a girl, I come equipped with a certain checklist that involves qualities I look for in a suitable mate. As I've aged that checklist has evolved, like they all do. That being said, my Paladin fit into almost all categories, of course with missing points in the category of music (of which I've been told I'm a music snob) with the weighing evidence, I could throw a little give that way in his favor. The biggest and most horrid downfall...the man lives in Canada. A part of Canada where French is tre cool and 1200+ miles away from where I live. If any of you have ever been in the deepest depths of love, there is little barrier that can stop the evolution of it. Distance being one of them.The distance was something we were willing to work through, having a plan that in about a year, we would be relocate to somewhere new, in either Upstate New York or in Vermont and in the meantime seeing each other every couple of months, either I going out to Canada for a week, or vice versa.

In the year and a half that I was the sole provider for our children, I struggled. With anyone who knows me, they know I suck with money. I admit I suck with money. I tried very hard to budget, having both my genius oldest son and a good friend help me manage my finances. To no avail. I just wasn't making enough to support us all, which caused me stress, the stress caused illness which caused my boss to look out for me and give me leave whenever my stress level was too high, which of course made me lose more money, which I sucked with in the first place. You see the cycle. It broke my heart. I would often go without eating just so my children would be fed. That is something I've rarely admitted in the past, and would deny if asked, but it is truth. Truth also be told, my children were very happy kids. They were well cared for, both physically and emotionally. I am a great mother in that aspect, but just not fiscally. Last summer, we scrimped for a family road trip to Canada. Something the children very much looked forward to partaking in. They have not been given a chance at a real summer vacation before and I wanted to give them that chance. Plus, it was merely the cost of gas. We would be staying with my Paladin, whom my children adore. Before leaving I had a working payment plan with my landlords. One, a few days before we were scheduled to leave, my landlords no longer wanted to honor, even if I was paying everything both parties had agreed to. I went to the state and asked for assistance with my rent. I was supposedly granted that assistance and with that relief, I drove for two days with my children to spend a week in Quebec. The trip was amazing. I am never happier than when spending quality time with my kids. My Paladin came back to Minnesota to spend two weeks with us. In those two weeks, I had discovered that since the state had shut down, the assistance that I was meant to receive, was not actually granted to me and we were to be thrown out of our living space. Damn it all, had I messed everything up. Those around me saw it as my typical mismanagement of money, believed nothing of what I said about the assistance, or the landlords arbitrarily changing their minds about out payment plan. I had no choice as I had no where to go. I asked both Lord X and my eldest son's father to care for the children while I figured out what to do in the meantime. My Paladin offered the suggestion to come and stay with him in Quebec, a move that I had been intending to make once our lease was up in a years time. It seemed like the Fates were putting up a challenge to see what we would do with it.

Upon speaking with Lord X about the plan, he rebuked it outright, suggesting that I leave the children with him so they could attend school in Minnesota, I could go out to East to "check out the area, get on my feet" and then send for the kids when the school year ended. As much as that possibility shattered my heart, I knew that at first relocating WOULD be a struggle and that did seem the most practical idea for the time being. My first thought was always to have my kids well looked after. Sadly, jobs are hard to come by in ANY part of the country these days. Lord X changed his mind about letting the kids relocate at all and has stated that he would fight me in court. I know what court battles do to kids. As I've said before, my kids are my first thought. Seeing that they were happy with where they are, and happy to spend summers out here, made up my mind in that fashion. I talk with them several times a week, and am still as close to them as I ever was. As much as I love Minnesota, for me it's always been a place the Fates have been pushing me to move away from. Away from all of the stigma that has been created by the many masks I seem to wear for those around me. Here, I'm just me. The true me. No apologies, and I find myself growing mentally. I love the mountains. I'm lonely, of course. But at least I'm myself. I'm here in Canada on a visitor's visa which is up in April. We will be relocating to Upstate New York or Vermont as intended. And... I'm adjusting by way of improvising, adapting and overcoming.

THIS is why Canada. Truthfully.